Day 163, September 13, 2012

 I woke up feeling the heat. I was exhausted! I slept on and off and never too solid, but I slept for such a long time I thought that the time I was asleep would provide more of a recovered feeling than this. I felt so tired I felt sick. I opened my eyes and just laid there.
My body felt sucked in and I had not eaten nearly enough food in the last few days. I didn't want to move. Just thinking about sitting up sounded like a major chore. My hope was slipping again.
I now realized I am going in and out. I still felt a slight feeling of hallucinating. When I moved my eyes there seemed to be a blurry delay. What is causing this? Maybe exhaustion and starvation? I didn't feel like I was that much worse now than I have been in past days. Is it just what the massive desert can do. It seems as if the bare land all around me is collectively draining my spirits. I felt a glimpse of hope the day before and thought it would rise from here. But it now seems to be lost again.

       I laid there totally blank. No plan. No idea. Not even a thought of what to do. My knees felt pain but I still havnt moved to see what that feels like. They could just be sore.
I laid there in silence and have quickly come to strongly dislike the emptiness of what is around me. It is taking my mind on a roller coaster and I feel that in any moment I could just fall off the tracks to never return again.
       I laid there in the heat and still had no immediate plan for the day. I was blank and battling a mental struggle I have never faced before. I stared up into the skies like I was just a blank body. What an intense feeling. I closed my eyes and disappeared from reality.
I woke up again. I'm not sure how long I had slept. It felt like I was on pause and am just back on play now bringing myself back into this world.
I honestly was thinking this was too bizarre. This feels like one of those vivid dreams that you think are real. Is this the dream? This can't be real.
       I sat up and was sweating and hot. I felt so weak and the arm I used to support me shook in a lack of strength. I was hurting. I sat there and slowly looked around. Not even sure why as I knew I would just see more of the same in any direction. I had a moment where I really just gave up. I laid back down since my body was so weak. Even sitting up was work.
I laid there in silence. I just wanted to lay there until I felt better. But I knew I might not get that reward in these elements. It's way too hot for anything to help here. I heard a car off in the distance drive past. I don't even care. The road is 75 yards away and I'm too weak to get there right now. I need to eat something, but food sounds like it will make me vomit. I don't have energy to vomit. I could pass out. I'm falling apart...
       I opened my eyes again and suddenly was angry! I was frustrated and upset. Mad at everything around me. I had a small urge of energy that seemed to be fueled by rage. I sat up and started throwing my things together aggressively. I think I knew I had no choice and no way out. I had to move. I had to.
       I was weak and shaking. I felt a sudden breakdown. I stopped being upset now and throwing my things around and put my hands over my face. I lost it. I saw my family and loved ones in my mind. But they were faded. I was breaking down. All the way across the country and it has come to this. This moment where I am done. I felt the rush of emotions surge into me and I was a mess. It is the worst physical and mental condition I have ever been in at the same time. I started to feel anger again now as I was putting all my emotions into my hands covering my face. Anger struck me again. Why am I so stubborn?!? It's a curse on me! If I give up now I refuse to take an easy way out. I will just lay here behind this bush and let the world drain me more to the point where I can't even stand up. Then fear hit me... Is this it? Is this the end. Is this the way I'm going to end up? My arms were shaking from just holding them up to my face.
       I lost control of my emotions for about 10 minutes. And I truly believe that was the only thing that could have saved me. The things I felt in my body gave me the boost I needed. I felt a cold sensation. I felt adrenaline. I felt strength. Just feeling anything in this moment was what I needed to bring me out of this. This has to be the low. I can't deal with another low lower than this. It can't happen. I don't have it in me. Suddenly all the emotions stopped! I looked up into the sky. I don't know why. Maybe because I've seen enough movies to know that's what I do in this moment, maybe it was a natural action. But I felt a feeling I had felt before out here. I was connected again. Everything I just poured out was what was holding me back. It was what I feared. I'm still alive and I can do this. This was such a crazy experience and Unless you were there next to me, there's no way to recreate the place I was in. It was real. It was scary as hell!
       I suddenly was focused again. Part of me was relieved and another part of me frustrated I went through a low again. Is this going to come again? I really hope not.
I still had adrenaline an used that to move around and pack up. I tore open an energy bar from my pack and took a huge bite of it and chewed as I packed up. I swigged warm water that had allege floating in it. I didn't really care. I felt now that it was fueling me up. Mentally I knew this is going to help. I kept moving and things were back into perspective.
       I was riding the wave of different emotions to carry me back out to the highway through the deep soft sand. I got to the road and it felt like I had just overcome the biggest challenge maybe of my life. I felt like getting to the road from where I'd slept was a longer walk and bigger challenge than the entire way I have come across the country yet. I got to the road and ironically sat back down on the shoulder under a shaded spot under a large bush. Even though I sat back down, in the last 2 minutes I got up, ate food, drank water, and conquered the fear of the moment. I didn't have a choice. Choices are privileges.
       I sat there in the cooler shaded air. I literally felt the food in my stomach moving and just imagined the nutrients breaking down and being sent through my body to aid it. I knew it would help. I laid back in the silence and just wished some kind of noise would occupy my mind. I have music but for some reason did not want to force it into my ears. It didn't sound enticing at all. I think I just didn't want any type of emotional stimulant right now. I was potentially still very vulnerable.
I sat there and dozed off for an hour or so. I woke up hearing a few cars pass by me. Finally a big rig truck passed and it really woke me up as it shook the ground and was really loud. I rubbed my eyes and woke up. It was about 11 by now. I was ready to try and move.
       I stood up to move around and analyze my knees and see how they felt. I think the adrenaline and emotions from earlier put my mind elsewhere rather than focused on the hurt in my body. My knees were still very sore and inflamed. I stretched them out and moved around some more. I was ready to go now. I picked up my things, drank a good amount of water, threw a handful of trail mix into my mouth and took off walking.
      The first mile I was very stiff and my knees felt weak. But they were actually feeling like they were loosening up a good amount now which was a great thing! I kept a very slow pace and tried not to think too far ahead than just each step. That goes for each aspect of my situation. I was not thinking about supplies either. I felt like that would discourage me at this point and I can't afford that.
I walked a couple miles and took another break under a small shade of another bush. It was the weirdest feeling and I swear it was identical all around me from the last bush I rested at. I have a pretty good photographic memory and all around looked almost the same. That really messed with my head. It felt like the movie groundhog day.
       As I sat there a guy pulled off in a truck. This was pretty exciting since it had been so lonely the last few days. He jumped out and offered me water. I jumped up and said "sure!". He looked at me and seemed to see the desperation in my voice and body language. He then said "do you need food?" I said "if you have any to spare that would be awesome". He asked "are you ok buddy?". I knew he could tell now that I was in a pretty intense and survival mindset. He gave me 2 waters and a bag of lunch meat and a bag off lettuce. I was so happy I was shaking! He then said "stay here" he went back and got 2 more waters. I thanked him like he gave me a million bucks. The mans help went so much further than just the items he gave me. He delivered so much hope to my mind it blew me away! If I had to put a price tag on what he gave me I would realistically say it was at least a few thousand of money value. He almost seemed amused by how excited I was. I moved swiftly when he was there when I was just walking like a 90 year old man all morning. It was a gift for sure.
       He left and I pounded 2 waters. Cold water. I can't even describe what that was like. I can't. I made a lettuce sandwich over the roast beef. It was the best sandwich I've ever had. Hands down. I was smiling and felt 100% better! Again, hard to describe to an outsider. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous.
       I sat there just so happy, then another guy pulled off going the other direction and pulled a $20 out and handed it to me. He took off right away. Are you kidding me!?!? I was blown away! I could care less about the money, in fact it honestly does me no good out here aside from giving me a small rough strip off asswhipe. The gesture and care from the guy is what was real in that moment. I didn't care about the green colored paper. What perspective I just had. Things look so much different from this light of life.
       I packed up and had goosebumps. I started walking and suddenly felt great. I was smiling, I felt so much better, I couldn't believe I got to the top of this emotional mountain after being in such a deep valley just this morning. Probably the craziest most fascinating day of my entire life thus far. No joke!
       I walked about a mile after that when another truck stopped!! A guy and girl headed west handed me 2 turkey sandwiches and an energy drink. I smiled and said thank you so much! I really was in slight shock at this point. The hardest thing to deal with is knowing these people may never know how much they are really helping me.
       I walked another few miles and took another break. I sat on a dirt mound for maybe 5 minutes. I didn't want to take a long break, I wanted to keep moving. Just then a green car stopped. A man and his wife gave me a water. I just laughed. I'm sure I looked crazy to them, but I just laughed and looked up to the sky in thanks. They said be careful out here and left. I laughed while saying "I will".
I took off again and walked another few miles while the sun was setting. I almost felt like my knees hurt much more than my body was able to feel that day. If that makes any sense. I was at such a low emotional state to begin the day that everything happening was drowning the possibility of feeling the full amount of pain I actually was facing. Maybe that was exactly what I needed. What a trip! It was like I discovered a new possibility for what our bodies are capable of. Did I manifest that reality? Did god put me in this position? Is this just how the stories goes? Wow! Whatever it is, it's truly amazing!
I walked a whole longer and figure now I got about 13-15 miles in. Even though it was a rough and rocky day, the numbers didn't lie. I covered ground in the direction I needed to go. I was really happy now and felt so much more hope. What a day!
       I stopped when it was just about to get dark and the sun had been behind the mountains for a while now. I pulled of the road just after a junction where the road split. I was headed toward 29 palms. I pulled right off the road into a dry creek. There was a flash flood warning sign right next to me and I hoped there were no storms coming in. I hadn't checked the weather and couldn't now with no service. But it had been clear the last few days and I doubted rain. It still lurked in the back of my head though.
       I made my bed just as it got dark and cooled down quit a bit. I laid down and was really happy. It was an experience I was thankful for. To be able to see things in this light makes me think so different in life. It always circled back to how people need help. The life of being homeless is a rough one. And the value of how gestures and little things can be blow me away now that I've been there! It's a spiritual life and I truly think it brings wisdom to humanity. I've never felt so connected spiritually until living this way. And sharing it from a firsthand experience is something I'm passionate about now.
       I went to sleep there in the Mohave that night still facing a big challenge ahead. But I was so struck from the miracles of the day that I couldn't think out of the moment if I tried. I literally went to sleep that night with my mind blown. What a day! I had my hope back. And even though i was alone and money was not worth much to me in this day, i was worth millions. You can't buy this pure experience.