14 day reflection

2        I have had a lot of emails this week asking about my story before this journey, and my plans for the future. So I wrote down some things an will use this weeks reflection to go through some of that.

       About 2 months ago I had just about every material thing I wanted by the time I was at that point in my life. I have never been a huge dreamer but more of a realist. I had the things I set out to get. I rented a nice house by myself, had a new truck I bought, and also a brand new dirt bike that I enjoyed riding. I had a good job and made good money and lived a life where money was never too tight. But there was one thing missing, me feeling happy. 
      I have always worked hard to feel truly happy. Whether it was working hard for money, buying nice things, going to church, going through counseling, finding it in relationships, or using meds. I have tried almost everything to be happy but honestly have never felt more than just a glimpse here and there that would eventually fade. I was told by many people that life is tough and you just need to appreciate the little glimpses of it to keep you happy. As much as I wanted to believe that and feel that, I just couldn't. I could never appreciate things that much to be able and use it to get me through the time where I wasn't happy. 
       I have seriously been miserable about 90% of my life. I'm good at hiding it and have never wanted people to see that in me. I always felt like I was only living life the way I was because that's how your told it's supposed to be. I found myself not even enjoying things that I should have been. It honestly felt like my life had become automatic and I was just following a script. It was a feeling of being dead inside. 
       I came to a point in my life where I hit rock bottom. I was completely tired of living and it was like my body was still here and alive but my soul was gone. I felt like I had nothing inside and there was no hope to recover. I had just tried so hard to find the right answer but never truly found it. The advise I had around me was to take meds until I felt well enough to work and that would get me through it. Well I felt inside like that was crazy and would only make my life worse. I had money and nice things but if you can't even enjoy them then what's the point? Just making more money would not work for me. Money doesn't matter to me if I can't really be happy. And I am not one to just force myself through something if it's not real. So I gave up that kind of life in search of something real. 
        I quit. I stopped everything and decided to hit the streets. I had many offers from family to just stay with them until my spirits were back up. But the truth is my spirits were never up in the first place and I was really just burned out from fighting it. I knew staying with someone was really just taking the easy way out and really giving up. Like I said before I have always wanted to find my truth and I still didn't want to give up. I know i'll find my truth, my happiness, somewhere in this world. I just didn't know when or how. 
       So I hit the road. A place where I don't need to depend on anyone. A place where I wasn't a burden to anyone, and where I wasn't anyones inconvenience. I would have to see real life for myself and see who I really am. 
       Let me jus say, this has been the best thing to ever happen in my life. I made a choice that I would travel to Japan and help people there also in the near future. I know that helping others has always made me feel alive and happy. But I really have never had a good opportunity to do that as my life was clouded with too many other commitments. And I want to help people in a truly sincere way. Nothing where I'm trying to make money for myself or a company. Nothing but pure help. I realized quickly that I could do that anywhere people are. I have experienced helping others just through spending time to talk with them and understand them. I don't get paid and most people I deal with are homeless, but there are some really great people out here that deserve it just as much as anyone.
          I am very lucky to have met some of the people I have met on the streets. And even if I am helping them, they really are helping me just as much if not more. They have helped me to feel alive and to feel like I am actually living life now. It's been a miracle and I honestly am finding happiness in the last place I expected. My body is sore and hurting everyday. I have bug bites all over and most of the time smell like monkey butt. But I feel richer than I ever have and wouldn't change anything about this decision. I feel so much hope now and have an awesome support system, all over the world! I never thought my life would come here and I am just shocked in what an amazing thing this has become. 
       I want to thank everyone again for your support and I really hope to give back in the future. I want to share my happiness with others so they know it's real. Im a believer now that all you need in life to be happy is a few things on your back, and the courage to never give up. And that courage definitely is not only your own. I have had help all over in this journey and can't take credit for hardly anything. I know it hasn't been long since my journals started but this journey actually started a couple months back. I know also that this doesn't mean I am fixed for life. I don't even know that I am fixed. But I do know that I have been given the courage I needed and now have a much more clear sight of what this life means. I see now that I have grown to find a piece of truth. And that money is something, but it is NOT everything. Thanks to everyone for all you have helped me with. I will never forget it and plan to share the love as long as I can.